Communication, Power, and Conflict (L9)

This week was probably one of my favorites! We talked about communication and conflict. Communication is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but isn't fully understood. There is a process that a couple goes through, whether they recognize it or not. For example, someone has a thought. They have to decide what that thought means to them and how they want to get it across, be it through texting or a letter, etc. Once they have done what they think they need to in order to get their message across, the receiver needs to decode what they said. There are things to help us with this, such as the spirit, and other things will affect their interpretation, such as past experiences. Then they have to decide how they are going to respond, and the cycle continues. Couples need to recognize that what they are saying might not come across as the same thing to their spouse. They also have to recognize that there might be static, or in other words, something might interfere with their message. We also talked about how couples have different forms of power over one another. We need to note that this kind of power isn't always deceptive and it isn't always a bad thing either. For example, if a wife wants a really nice car, her husband may have some information that will persuade her from purchasing the car, like how it doesn't fit their budget if she wants to quit her job and stay at home with her daughter. This information can be presented in a respectful manner and couples can reason with each other about different things. Blackmail would be an example of a negative form of power. The last thing I want to touch on is conflict. We talked about how conflict doesn't always come in the form of an argument and can actually be extremely beneficial to a couple. There are poor ways to handle conflict and there are good ways to handle it. We discussed in detail the way the Apostles and 1st Presidency handle things: 1. The have a set time and place (Thursdays in the temple). We talked about how this can be applied to all of us as couples. The temple is a dedicated place that can bring the spirit into our discussions. We also know that our homes can be a temple and they can be dedicated. These are both important. It's also important to have a time set up each week or so to discuss important matters with our spouse. This prevents our discussions from coming up only when we see a problem. Explosions are less likely to happen if we meet more often. 2. They start by speaking love and gratitude to each other. Again, this can be a great tool when we are about to discuss things with our spouse. When you show how much you love a person, you are less likely to be angry with them or them with you. You also help each other feel safe, which allows our brains to think clearly. 3. They open with a prayer. I found it especially important that the words of love and gratitude actually came before the prayer. When you are in a loving environment, your prayers will be more focused on self-less things instead of selfish things. It is never a bad idea to involve the Lord in your discussions. The spirit will help you know what's right and not what you want. 4. They had an agenda. An agenda provides a structure so it doesn't turn into an argument or an attack on the other person. There are specific things that need to be discussed and we can try not to stray too far. It also means you have to have things planned out. If something is important, each person should have time to pray about the matter. The agenda is given the night before to give time for this process. 5. They then discuss each matter one at a time until they come to a consensus regarding the Lord's will. This gives each person an opportunity to share what they think and how to go about it. That last part is really important. The goal is not to get what you want, rather to do what Heavenly Father wants you to do. And until you both come up with the same answer, the problem isn't considered resolved. 6. Close with a prayer. This gives us an opportunity to thank the Lord for his help and to make sure there is nothing else we need to know. It also allows us to know that the conversation is over and we can move on. We can also ask for help to follow through with what we have decided is the right plan of action. 7. Refreshments. I didn't realize the Bretheren do this, but it's a good idea. It will lighten the mood and help the couple move on. It's a great time for them to bond and talk about other things. The preparation also give the husband or wife a chance to serve their spouse. Who doesn't want pie, right? I am so glad we had a chance to learn about this process. It is something I want to utilize in my family in the future.

Family Under Stress (L8)

This week we talked about stress in the family and how to handle it. There were a lot of powerful stories and we had quite a few opportunities to reflect on our family and how we handle stressful situations. There is a sort of equation that helps us see how a situation plays out. It's the ABC equation. Here's what it looks like: Actual events + Behavioral Responses + Cognition (what we thought happened) = Experience. This can either really hurt a family and lead to crisis or help a family grow depending on how they respond to each situation. When we recognize and prepare for the different types of situations, we can handle them far better than if we don't. Even if we aren't sure of what might happen, there are things we can be doing now to prepare for the unexpected.

Intimacy and Teaching (L7)

This week was a little bit embarrassing to talk about, so I'm going to make it brief. Intimacy is a very important thing for a couple. It is not something that we should treat lightly or put on the back burner. It's important for a couple to enjoy each other and do everything they can to help one another feel comfortable and happy. We talked about how to talk to your kids about sex. There was a list of Don't's I wanted to talk about: 1. Don't shut down. Just because your child is asking questions, doesn't mean you should be afraid. Be prepared and be confident. 2. Don't wait until someone else does (like at school). It's best if you know what information is given and how it is presented. Be part of your child's learning experience. 3. Don't only focus on the physical nature. This is a very spiritual and sacred thing; help your child understand that. 4. Don't rely on messages from the media. They are not going to teach your child what he/she needs to know. 5. Don't leave it up to one parent. BOTH parents should be involved where possible and this should be discussed between the two of you before you hold a conversation with your child. 6. Don't be embarrassed. Be confident and help your child see what a great blessing this is. 7. Don't lie. It seems simple and obvious, but it's important. Be honest with your child. 8. Don't be only reactive, be proactive. Respond when your child needs you to, but do your best to be proactive in age-appropriate conversation. This should start as young as 3. Again, AGE APPROPRIATE.

Marital Satisfaction and Children (L6)

I learned so much this week! On their wedding day, a couple's satisfaction is at a high point. That satisfaction grows from that point for a while. We often call this the "honeymoon stage." It reaches a peak and then drops dramatically after a huge event that is often thought of as extremely positive: the birth of their first child. There is a decline in satisfaction for a while and then it levels off until the birth of their second child. This pattern continues until their first child leaves the house. At this point, their satisfaction begins to increase. When I first heard this, I was sad and disappointed. I always thought that having children would INCREASE satisfaction. I quickly learned that it CAN. There is hope! We talked about a variety of ways to help a couple grow stronger and closer together during this period of time. Being prepared for the situation is very important and can help this be a positive transition. For example, the mother needs to help her husband feel involved. Let him feel the baby kick, tell him what's happening, take him to the doctors appointments if possible. When the baby comes, there is a period of time where the woman releases hormones that help her attach to the people around her. We talked about the controversial topic of whether or not to have grandma in there with them. After long discussions, I realized it might not be such a good idea. Each person has their own opinion, but to me, this should be a time for the couple to grow closer together with their little family. This helps set those boundaries between them and their extended family.

Dating and Spouse-Choosing (L5)

Last week we talked about dating and the process we go through to choose who we want to date, which eventually leads to marriage. We talked about the "Know-Quo" which says it takes 3 things to really know someone: Talking, Time, and Togetherness. When talking, couples need to have mutual self-disclosure. Sometimes we feel like we know someone really well because we can "tell them everything." But that's not how it works; both people in the relationship need to be able to openly share with one another. Second, time, is very important. Less than 3 months of knowing someone isn't usually enough to actually know them. In class, we discussed the possible reasons for this. One that stood out to me the most was that you need enough time to be able to experience different situations with one another. And that leads to the last one, togetherness. Not only should you go on dates (which I will talk more about in a second), but you need to have a variety of situations, including ones you might encounter in marriage. Dating is one of those topics I thought we were done with when we graduated high school. However, I have heard little of anything else since attending BYU-Idaho. We tend to "hang out" far more than we date. Elder Oaks listed 3 things that constitute a date: Planned, paid for, and paired off. Planning the date means having a start and end time and not letting it drag out until you get bored or tired of it. Paid for doesn't always mean money; it means that everything you would need is taken care of. Paired off is the one we're struggling with most often. It's a way to make everyone feel wanted and included in the date. No one wants to be a third wheel. What I find fascinating is these P's of dating are parallel to what we find the The Family: A Proclamation to the World from the First Presidency of the church: Planned - Preside Paid for - Provide Paired off - Protect I love that! When we date, we should be modeling how we would act and treat one another in marriage. To end, I want to address this: we all say that this might be too hard, or hanging out is more convenient. We ended with a question that really stuck out to me: "If they can't wake a commitment for 2 hours, how can they commit for eternity?"

Research and homosexuality (L4)

Last week was very interesting. We learned a lot about Homosexuality and how it comes to be. We learned that some of the research that is used to back up certain beliefs about same sex marriage is poorly done and usually misinterpreted. For example, it is sometimes believed that if there are no effects on the children of same-sex marriages, then it must be good, right? Also, the research that is used to support that homosexuality is genetic is also misinterpreted. The people who have done the research (such as the infamous twin study) came out and said that it proves the opposite!

Family Systems Theory(L2)

This week we learned about different theories about families, such as the systems theory or exchange theory. The one that really stood out to me was family systems theory. This theory has different aspects. It explains how each member of the family has a role and they have an affect on the other members. We talked about how husband and wife should have their own system and others should be an outer part of that system. We talked about how the husband and wife are (hopefully)sealed for eternity and they are supposed to be a system forever. The children are also sealed, but they will eventually grow and be sealed to their own spouses.