What is Marriage? and Blended Families (L12)

This week we talked about blended families. But I love how we started the week and I learned a lot from it. We talked about what marriage used to mean and what it means now. A divorce did not used to be easy. In order to divorce, you had to have a reason. And even with a good one, it was hard to actually get divorced. Someone had to be a fault for something almost irreversible. When someone was at fault, it also made determining custody a lot easier as well. Then we came up with no-fault divorces that allowed people to divorce for any reason. Something Brother Williams said really caught my attention and I can't seem to get the thought out of my head. Marriage is the only contract in the United States that we do not have to keep. It's also one of the most important ones. When you are sealed in the temple, Brother Williams said, you make covenants with God, not with your spouse. So when a decision is made to marry and then to divorce, it cannot be taken lightly. Heavenly Father is the one you want to break a contract or covenant with, not your spouse. We also talked about blended families. I am not going to spend a lot of time on it, but it's important to remember that blended families don't only affect the parents or even just their family, it affects many people. If you are thinking about marrying someone who already has children, remember that it will not be easy. It usually takes about 2 years to reach any kind of "normalcy." You should also allow the biological parent to do the heavy discipline, while the step parent is the support. You two can and should talk about what kinds of things you want to do, but have the heavy discipline come from the biological parent.

Types of Parenting (L11)

This week we talked about the 3 main types of parenting. First, we have authoritarian. In other words "My way or no way." This type of parenting may get your children to do what you want now, but can lead to rebellion and represents someone who feels as though they are superior and commanding the inferior. There is no agency involved in this type of parenting. Another type is permissive. This type of parenting is like being the best friend to your child. Although your child may like you (or seem to like you) at the time, they are not learning any lessons. They have all agency and no accountability. Anything goes in this household because the priority is not how to teach the child, rather how to make the child happy for a time. The final type, and probably the most successful, is authoritative. I see this as a combination of the two. There is high love and high standards in this type of parenting. The parents are proactive, not reactive. They teach their children both agency and accountability while loving and providing for them. Heavenly Father exemplifies this type of parenting perfectly.

Fatherhood (L10)

This week we talked about both Fatherhood and Finances. In finances, we discussed having a budget and things like that. It was very beneficial and we used One for the Money as a resources that I would suggest to everyone. We talked about ways to involve your family in that process. Although I learned a lot from that, I don't feel as impressed to talk about it as much as I do about fatherhood. I wrote an essay about fatherhood and would like to use that as part of my blog today: As a woman, more specifically an LDS woman, I have grown up with lesson after lesson teaching and expounding upon not only the purpose of motherhood, but how to go about it as well. I learned to change diapers from a young age and was raised as a “mother-in-training.” In Primary, the boys had cooties and we were to stay away from them. In the youth program, the boys played sports and went on campouts. Then in college, they are meant to be preparing to be the perfect husband. I heard very little about fatherhood and my role as a wife in fatherhood. I was able to preview an excellent book, The Developing Child: Fatherhood by Ross D. Parke, that was able to help with my perspective on fatherhood. Not only did I learn some very important things from him, but I was able to reflect on experiences with my father and look forward to how I can help my husband be the best father he can be. I wish I was able to read the entire book by Parke, but the preview was also filled with some fantastic information. There were 5 things I found important or informative that I would like to touch on. First, mothers have an important role in encouraging their husbands to interact with their children. It doesn’t come naturally to all guys. Second, fathers should take classes with the mother wherever possible and they should definitely be there during the delivery of their child. We discussed this earlier in the semester, but I want to emphasize again how crucial this bonding time can be for the family. Third, I want to address how fathers become involved in his words. He says, “This system involves several levels of determinants—individual, familial, extrafamilial, and cultural.” (p. 76) These things are not individual and must be addressed as a group. The fourth one is for the women out there. We need to look for someone who has a strong relationship with their parents. It is not impossible for someone who has a weak relationship with his parents to be a fantastic father, but it does make it easier when he has grown up with strong examples. Last is for both parents to recognize. The attitude of the father is extremely important. Ladies, discuss a family before you decide to marry. Men, look where your attitude is toward fatherhood and strengthen it. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been considered a “Daddy’s girl.” I remember my grandmother teasing my dad and I would cry and yell, “Leave my Daddy alone!” My childhood is filled with memories of my father. For the first 6 years or so of my life, my dad managed a donut house. There were days when I would wake up on bags of donut mixes and he would be there, making or selling donuts. Sometimes he would dress me up as the baker for the regulars and show me off. There was a time when I thought that I didn’t love my mom as much as I did my dad. I was probably 5 or 6 and I distinctly remember sitting at the table and telling my mom that I did not love her as much as my daddy. I remember the disappointment my dad expressed to me that day. I haven’t even spoken with them about that time since. My dad told me when I was little that there would come a time that I would be embarrassed by him or I would feel like I didn’t love him as much. I refused to believe it. But, like it or not, the time came when I realized how distant I was from him. This happened especially during high school. I was making some poor choices and needed my parents terribly, but I wouldn’t let them in. I remember a time when I did not partake of the sacrament for a period of time and my dad was the first one to express interest. I felt that love for him and I knew how much it would hurt him to have his only girl making such mistakes. When I was finally able to open up with him about it, he was so loving and so kind. That really opened up the door to rebuilding our parent-child relationship. Now, I am dating a guy who is serving a mission at the time. I wasn’t ever really open with my parents about the guys I dated, but I was far more open with them about Harrison. My dad was actually on our “first date.” I went to see his football game with my dad and his. Harrison came to my house for our last date. After I said goodbye and watched him drive away, I went inside with tears running down my face (I’ve always had a hard time with goodbye’s.) My dad was the first one there to comfort me. As I have been making big decisions in my life, my “daddy” has been the one to help me through a lot of it. He is a huge support and has been a guide in my life, especially in these last few months. I am so blessed to be learning these things now, as I am preparing to be a wife and mother. Some (probably most) women have to figure out how to help their husbands as life is happening. I have the great blessing of learning how to help him early on. This process does not begin at birth, but before. It starts with the background and the attitude of my husband. I have a great responsibility to look into and discuss those things before commitments are made. Then, throughout the entire pregnancy, it is my job to help my husband feel part of the process. He can’t feel when the baby kicks, I can. So I need to share those moments with him. The more connected to our family he feels, the more anxious and willing he will be to become a father. As I mentioned earlier, it is crucial to have him there in the delivery room as well. He needs to be part of this process. After the children are born, there are things that I can do to help him be the best father he can be. It starts with little things, like having the house clean or dinner ready so he can focus on what’s most important instead of the chores of the day. It also involves discussing with him what it means to be a father. We can read the book I quoted earlier and study The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Heavenly Father understands the importance of fatherhood. If we are able to keep Him at the center of our lives, we will be able to follow his counsel. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity to learn and reflect about fatherhood. I was able to see it from a scientific perspective too, which was fantastic! Then I was able to reflect on my childhood and the role my father had in it. Finally, I planned for my future. I know that the role of father would be near impossible without the role of mother. I am anxious for the opportunity of parenthood.

Communication, Power, and Conflict (L9)

This week was probably one of my favorites! We talked about communication and conflict. Communication is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but isn't fully understood. There is a process that a couple goes through, whether they recognize it or not. For example, someone has a thought. They have to decide what that thought means to them and how they want to get it across, be it through texting or a letter, etc. Once they have done what they think they need to in order to get their message across, the receiver needs to decode what they said. There are things to help us with this, such as the spirit, and other things will affect their interpretation, such as past experiences. Then they have to decide how they are going to respond, and the cycle continues. Couples need to recognize that what they are saying might not come across as the same thing to their spouse. They also have to recognize that there might be static, or in other words, something might interfere with their message. We also talked about how couples have different forms of power over one another. We need to note that this kind of power isn't always deceptive and it isn't always a bad thing either. For example, if a wife wants a really nice car, her husband may have some information that will persuade her from purchasing the car, like how it doesn't fit their budget if she wants to quit her job and stay at home with her daughter. This information can be presented in a respectful manner and couples can reason with each other about different things. Blackmail would be an example of a negative form of power. The last thing I want to touch on is conflict. We talked about how conflict doesn't always come in the form of an argument and can actually be extremely beneficial to a couple. There are poor ways to handle conflict and there are good ways to handle it. We discussed in detail the way the Apostles and 1st Presidency handle things: 1. The have a set time and place (Thursdays in the temple). We talked about how this can be applied to all of us as couples. The temple is a dedicated place that can bring the spirit into our discussions. We also know that our homes can be a temple and they can be dedicated. These are both important. It's also important to have a time set up each week or so to discuss important matters with our spouse. This prevents our discussions from coming up only when we see a problem. Explosions are less likely to happen if we meet more often. 2. They start by speaking love and gratitude to each other. Again, this can be a great tool when we are about to discuss things with our spouse. When you show how much you love a person, you are less likely to be angry with them or them with you. You also help each other feel safe, which allows our brains to think clearly. 3. They open with a prayer. I found it especially important that the words of love and gratitude actually came before the prayer. When you are in a loving environment, your prayers will be more focused on self-less things instead of selfish things. It is never a bad idea to involve the Lord in your discussions. The spirit will help you know what's right and not what you want. 4. They had an agenda. An agenda provides a structure so it doesn't turn into an argument or an attack on the other person. There are specific things that need to be discussed and we can try not to stray too far. It also means you have to have things planned out. If something is important, each person should have time to pray about the matter. The agenda is given the night before to give time for this process. 5. They then discuss each matter one at a time until they come to a consensus regarding the Lord's will. This gives each person an opportunity to share what they think and how to go about it. That last part is really important. The goal is not to get what you want, rather to do what Heavenly Father wants you to do. And until you both come up with the same answer, the problem isn't considered resolved. 6. Close with a prayer. This gives us an opportunity to thank the Lord for his help and to make sure there is nothing else we need to know. It also allows us to know that the conversation is over and we can move on. We can also ask for help to follow through with what we have decided is the right plan of action. 7. Refreshments. I didn't realize the Bretheren do this, but it's a good idea. It will lighten the mood and help the couple move on. It's a great time for them to bond and talk about other things. The preparation also give the husband or wife a chance to serve their spouse. Who doesn't want pie, right? I am so glad we had a chance to learn about this process. It is something I want to utilize in my family in the future.

Family Under Stress (L8)

This week we talked about stress in the family and how to handle it. There were a lot of powerful stories and we had quite a few opportunities to reflect on our family and how we handle stressful situations. There is a sort of equation that helps us see how a situation plays out. It's the ABC equation. Here's what it looks like: Actual events + Behavioral Responses + Cognition (what we thought happened) = Experience. This can either really hurt a family and lead to crisis or help a family grow depending on how they respond to each situation. When we recognize and prepare for the different types of situations, we can handle them far better than if we don't. Even if we aren't sure of what might happen, there are things we can be doing now to prepare for the unexpected.

Intimacy and Teaching (L7)

This week was a little bit embarrassing to talk about, so I'm going to make it brief. Intimacy is a very important thing for a couple. It is not something that we should treat lightly or put on the back burner. It's important for a couple to enjoy each other and do everything they can to help one another feel comfortable and happy. We talked about how to talk to your kids about sex. There was a list of Don't's I wanted to talk about: 1. Don't shut down. Just because your child is asking questions, doesn't mean you should be afraid. Be prepared and be confident. 2. Don't wait until someone else does (like at school). It's best if you know what information is given and how it is presented. Be part of your child's learning experience. 3. Don't only focus on the physical nature. This is a very spiritual and sacred thing; help your child understand that. 4. Don't rely on messages from the media. They are not going to teach your child what he/she needs to know. 5. Don't leave it up to one parent. BOTH parents should be involved where possible and this should be discussed between the two of you before you hold a conversation with your child. 6. Don't be embarrassed. Be confident and help your child see what a great blessing this is. 7. Don't lie. It seems simple and obvious, but it's important. Be honest with your child. 8. Don't be only reactive, be proactive. Respond when your child needs you to, but do your best to be proactive in age-appropriate conversation. This should start as young as 3. Again, AGE APPROPRIATE.

Marital Satisfaction and Children (L6)

I learned so much this week! On their wedding day, a couple's satisfaction is at a high point. That satisfaction grows from that point for a while. We often call this the "honeymoon stage." It reaches a peak and then drops dramatically after a huge event that is often thought of as extremely positive: the birth of their first child. There is a decline in satisfaction for a while and then it levels off until the birth of their second child. This pattern continues until their first child leaves the house. At this point, their satisfaction begins to increase. When I first heard this, I was sad and disappointed. I always thought that having children would INCREASE satisfaction. I quickly learned that it CAN. There is hope! We talked about a variety of ways to help a couple grow stronger and closer together during this period of time. Being prepared for the situation is very important and can help this be a positive transition. For example, the mother needs to help her husband feel involved. Let him feel the baby kick, tell him what's happening, take him to the doctors appointments if possible. When the baby comes, there is a period of time where the woman releases hormones that help her attach to the people around her. We talked about the controversial topic of whether or not to have grandma in there with them. After long discussions, I realized it might not be such a good idea. Each person has their own opinion, but to me, this should be a time for the couple to grow closer together with their little family. This helps set those boundaries between them and their extended family.